Pokeball go

I will fight for you til i'm dead.

so hold me tight. I might disappear.

What Am I doing wrong?

I am emotionally attached to you. 
And I don't know what to do..
Because I don't know if you still feel the way I feel.
Why do you have to be so hard to read?
If you don't like me anymore. Draw the friendship line already.
You have the ball in your court because you're the one that wanted to take it slow.

Look. I really let myself fall for you. Everything I've done was for you. I put my blood, sweat, and time thinking about You.
I wish You could see that.
Am I not interesting anymore? Have I become devalued?
Do I not make you feel special anymore?
Do I really have absolutely nothing to offer you?
Was everything you felt and said to me not real at all?
Meaningless
Meaningless!

I seek your attention. I crave your to hear your voice. I long to see you smile.
Is this me being desperate? Have I become this immature? Have I been this immature?
This must be my fault.
My heart breaks when I hear the boredom in your speeches.

I pushed it too far. I made her uncomfortable.

I miss you. 

Confused

What is going on?

I feel like a nobody to her. She's got all the friends she needs a call away. Who am I to her? 
Just a friend. Nothing special.

It was my fault really. I knew I shouldn't have been so expressive and head over heels. I should of had self control.
I feel like I made her uncomfortable. Every "I miss you" started losing it's value. But to me it felt like a million dollars. I really meant it. 
It's fading. I can tell. I feel torn. It was my fault really. I pushed it too far. But it's frustrating cause I never wanted to wear that mask. I wanted to be true and honest from the beginning. Hiding my emotions were not logical to me. I let my heart open to her. Please. Don't break it. 

I know I should be focused on school, church, and every other thing close in my life. But I really like her. She helps me BE focused!
The mutual feeling we had was so surreal. It was amazing. I was emotionally attached to her. But maybe that was the problem.
If I wanted to feel loved, I should go to Christ for that. But what is life if you're never attached with anyone..

Please. I need to know what's going on so I can finally go into my Emo stage and get it over with. Let me get that stage over with.
This happened last year too. Around the same exact time..
I knew this would happen but I let myself go there anyway.. But I decided to have faith! I wanted this to work out! What a fool I was! Fucking living in fantasy world.
There's no such thing as fate or destiny. Just coincidence. Why the hell would I be place here just to be teased. Why would I be lead on to think that she is the ideal girl for me. When I may not be the ideal guy for her. What the hell..  

Fuck. 

She'll never know how much I liked her. How much she meant to me. Even after years, I'll still care for her. 
It's frustrating.. Things would be so much different if the circumstances were different. If we were to see each other face to face, we'd see what we are really like together.

My hurt has went from frustration to anger. Anger to coincidence, fate, destiny, Statistics, whatever you want to call it. Anger to myself. I can't believe I let myself go. Let myself fall for a girl 2000 miles away. And all the time and money invested just to be friends. 

Who am I to her..?
I asked her this before but. Why did she like me?
Cause of my traits? cause of my position? My age? My confident first impression? 
Infatuation? Cause she felt good whenever I complimented her?

Does she even care about me?

Slowly. I'll become a nobody to her.

But if that's what makes her happy. So let it be.. 
I want her to be happy. And if I don't make her happy. What kind of friend am I?
I just hope our letter exchange will keep alive.. 

-Edit---

Confusion is only temporary.

Time management

sucks. 

I fucking hate work cause of random time management!
I'm very picky on being on time for a date and I missed it! I was looking forward to her this whole day!
She's probably asleep right now. What if she waited for me?? I just failed her.

Damn it. I don't want last year to happen again. Where I end up working or getting too caught up with my busy schedule and can't give her enough attention

Sigh, I should control my anger. Self control is needed.
Damn.. 

Thank you Netflex

It's 2:16 in the morning
And I just had a pretty cool Christmas Eve
Hanging out with my bros is always mind refreshing
(Especially when it is world of warcraft related hehe)

I got a Teriyaki Beef Jerky and a $25 iTunes gift card from Jameson  
A box of delicious Chocolate from Nina Lee!
And enjoyed a nice glass of Wine that Hoon bought for the bros.

Came home and watched THIS SHOW! 

Avatar is awesome! Check it out if you haven't seen it yet.
Cool tattoos, more ninja, and instant six pack.
I want to be an avatar now.

------

Phil Wickham is coming Tuesday. $20 at the door, $15 online and starts at 9ish?
Hopefully I get out of work early this time.

Lets go!!!